Ruthless Rufus
Ruthless Rufus ruled the land
With iron fist and sleight of hand
And all the people shook with fear
Whenever Rufus came quite near.
*
And deep within the castle walls
Amongst the fine and splendid halls
The servants they all shook the most.
And on the day cook burnt his toast
They shook so much with knees a knocking
The castle started gently rocking.
*
And suddenly with great surprise
Before the servant’s very eyes
The castle roof came crashing down
The noise was heard all over town.
*
And for a minute no-one quivered
Trembled, shuddered, shook or shivered
For they knew they were in trouble
Not only was the roof in rubble.
But it landed in a heap
On top of Rufus fast asleep
*
The King went red then purple too
And finally his temper blew.
And flicking tiles from his head
Sat up and shouted from his bed
*
“Where’s my roof, it isn’t right
For when I go to sleep at night
I don’t expect to be awoken
By a tonne of tiles broken.
I demand to know the truth
Of why I have no castle roof.”
*
With that there was a lightning flash
A puff of smoke, a thunder crash
And out of nowhere, very weird,
A wizened wizard just appeared.
*
With pointy hat upon his head
He glared upon the king in bed.
King Rufus you should be ashamed
The Wizard said, For you’re to blame
It is by being very ruthless
You have ended up now roofless.
*
By fear you made your people shake
And caused the earth around to quake
You’re lucky that your castle wall
Didn’t wobble, shake and fall.
*
From that day forth the good King Rufus
Promised not to be so ruthless
And so to stop his people shaking
Rufus started merry-making.
A laugh, a joke, a happy tale
And in the castle all was well.
*
But just in case and every night
As he switched off his bedside light
Recalling what the wizard said
King Rufus slept beneath his bed
The Unround Table
“I need a table for my Knights,” the King announced one day.
“A table, mighty, big and round, the biggest ever made.”
And so for many, many months the craftsmen cut and shaved
Until that fateful day, in May, the table was displayed
*
The mighty table big and round had only one small flaw
The table, biggest in the land, would not go through the door.
Never mind the makers said, by shaving off a bit
Of wood from here and there we’re sure that we can make it fit.
*
And so they cut and shaved the mighty table here and there
But cutting it to make it fit they went and made it square.
“It can’t be square! We’ll have to change its shape,” they said, annoyed.
“And quickly, if the King should see he won’t be overjoyed.”
*
They cut the corners, cut the sides, cut the legs and then
The table, round, but smaller now, was set before the King
The King was not delighted; its size was quite a shock
He put it on the mantelpiece beside the carriage clock.
Sir Mucus
No one knew why Mucus chose
To scratch and poke and pick his nose.
Not only did he choose to pick it,
But to roll and aim and flick it.
*
The other knights with him were not
Too pleased at always being shot
A well aimed bogey ball on course
Could knock them sprawling from their horse
*
And so they went to see the king
For him to stop this dreadful thing
And he, a proclamation issued
“Mucus’ bogeys should be tissued.”
*
Now Mucus only picks his nose
And flicks it at his mortal foes
Because a well-aimed bogey can
Be lethal from the Bogey Man.
Sir Failure
Sir Failure’s armour was too small, his sword a little light
His horse, so plump it couldn’t jump, Sir Failure couldn’t fight!
*
He couldn’t joust, he couldn’t shoot an arrow with a bow
He’d shoot so high towards the sky or else he’d shoot too low
*
He couldn’t save his dignity or damsels in distress
Instead the damsels rescued him when he got in a mess.
Sir Basil D’Wind
Sir Basil was a useful knight,
Fighting wrongs and doing right.
It once was said he never sinned,
Except that is, for passing wind.
*
For after drinking fizzy pop,
Sir Basil found he couldn’t stop
The gas escaping from his gut
And finding freedom through his butt.
*
One day when fluffing in the street
He knocked a vicar off his feet.
The man of cloth was none to pleased
The day Sir Basil’s bottom sneezed.
*
The vicar said, “This will not do,
Sir Basil may be good and true
But he must find a good solution
To his buttocks’ air pollution.”
*
So from that day Sir Basil tried
Not to eat things raw of fried.
No more cabbage, sprouts or greens
Eggs, cucumber or baked beans.
*
But it was to no avail,
Apart from a less putrid smell,
Sir Basil’s bottom, quite surprising,
Continued to keep vaporising.
*
Then one day, a lad with brains
Said, “Connect him to the mains.
All that gas his stomach’s churning
Could keep the village cookers burning.
*
So in the twinkling of an eye,
To the village gas supply
Basil’s bottom was connected,
Before the idea was rejected.
*
From that day forth he ate his food
Without the fear of being rude.
For all the gas he could produce
Was put to beneficial use.
*
Cooking food and heating rooms
Without producing toxic fumes.
With natural gas always to light…
Sir Basil was a useful knight.
Sir Chuckalot
Sir Chuckalot was often seen
A pale and pasty shade of green.
For Chuckalot was very thick
And used to eat till he was sick.
*
And having chucked up on the floor,
He’d often go and eat some more.
And having eaten, in the main,
He’d wander off and chuck again.
*
“You’ll have to stop,” the doctor said,
The day that he was sick in bed,
“For being sick is very rude
And such a dreadful waste of food.”
*
But would he listen? No such luck!
Until the day disaster struck.
He went about his normal trick
Of pigging out and being sick
*
But this time all the food he ate
Was not prone to regurgitate.
Although he tried, there was no doubt,
That what went in would not come out.
*
Then suddenly to his surprise,
His belly grew before his eyes,
It grew to such immense proportions
He wished he’d stuck to smaller portions
*
He screamed and shouted, bellowed too
But still his belly grew and grew…
And then a sound like distant thunder
Rumbled in the King of Chunder.
*
You’ve never seen such a commotion
That was caused by the explosion…
And where Sir Chuckalot had been
Was not a very pleasant scene.
Sir Rainbow
Sir Rainbow was an ugly fellow
His skin was blistered, boiled and yellow
His nose was red, his eyes were black
His brown hair grew right down his back.
*
His teeth were grey, his tongue was green
His language blue and quite obscene
With purple spots and orange tan
Sir Rainbow was a colourful man.
Polly Player
Polly Player, Dragon Slayer
Rode across the land
A big black horse between her legs
A sword held in her hand
*
And though she looked both far and wide
And up and down as well
She could not find a single dragon
She could thus dispel.
*
Until one day, Polly was told
That all dragons are dead.
Poor Polly now is unemployed
And just kills time instead.
Moaning Sir Maurice
Sir Maurice was handsome knight who always rode alone
He always knew his wrong from right and that’s what made him moan.
He moaned about the food he ate, about the weather too
About the sleep he didn’t get; his leaking leather shoe.
*
He moaned about the work he did, he moaned about the pay,
He moaned about a little kid that pestered him all day.
He moaned about his family, he moaned about his friends
He moaned about the price of tea and all the modern trends.
*
He moaned about the price he paid to bed down in an inn
He moaned about the noise they made when emptying the bin.
He moaned about the poor folks and the way they all seemed thick.
He moaned about the warlocks, how they never missed a trick.
*
He moaned about the government, he moaned about the king
He moaned for he was not content with any little thing.
He moaned about the way nobody tried to do their best
And how their work so rarely shoddy, never passed his test.
*
“Nothing’s ever good enough!” “Don’t do it like that!”
“Everything is far too rough, it should be smooth and flat!”
“Don’t you know your wrong from right?” You’d often hear him moan.
And that is why this handsome knight will always ride alone.